New Year's Resolutions

Making them, keeping them, and deeper meaning.

Many of us make New Year’s resolutions because we live in a culture of self-improvement, striving to be better, seeking perfection, and often being dissatisfied with ourselves. Only about 8% of us actually keep our resolutions over the long term. Around 25% stick with their goals after 30 days. We yearn for change in ourselves and others. I know I can only achieve change for myself. You likely know this, too. Changing behavior is difficult. It is a habit developed over time. For me, it’s little habits repeated daily. Perhaps partial success is good enough.

I didn’t even think of making New Year’s resolutions this year. I forgot, or I sublimated it. This was not part of my consciousness as it had been in years past. The topic surfaced on January 2 as I was finishing up lunch at Café del Elfo at Casa del Barro, Oaxaca. I had gone to this small boutique shopping center on Calle Reforma, east of the historic center, to look at new glasses (a fraction of the cost of US frames) at B-Sight.

Gathering at nearby tables were about twenty people, the Oaxaca Philosophy Group, there to discuss New Year’s Resolutions, intentions, making them, keeping them, breaking them, and digging deeper. The conversation turned to who we are, what we are satisfied with, what we want to change, who we want to become, and how to be a better person. I was fascinated and pulled my chair closer to listen to this more intimate exploration of self.

This brought up questions: Who am I? Where do I belong? How do I see myself in relation to others? How do I want to be in the world? This necessitates self-awareness and an impact on others.

What I believe about myself and how I describe myself can create a new reality, supercharging the self-narrative, which Vince Gray, the facilitator, describes as our operating system. He advises that we stand outside our operating systems and look at ourselves, and say, I want to be this … I don’t want to be that. It’s a slow transition that he likens to riding a huge elephant and steering it to change direction. A reference point is Nudge Theory.

Are we born with the traits we exhibit in the world, or do we have the power to do things differently? It’s that powerful yin-yang of nature vs. nurture.

This caused me to reconsider New Year’s resolutions. They are tangible and can be measured. For example, I need to lose 10 pounds; then, did I lose these or gain more? How much money did I save, and how much more do I need to save? How many steps did I walk today, and how many more do I need to take to reach my goal? Did I lift weights and increase my muscle strength? Did I read more books? Interact with friends twice a week? Did I cut down on drinking and only take two glasses of wine a week? What about smoking cessation for many who are habitual? This list can go on and on.

We are a culture that is based on setting goals and reaching them. When we fail, we feel bad and fall back on old habits and dependencies, lamenting that we cannot reach them, sinking deeper into despair and self-punishment.

How do we measure being a better human being? I constantly ask myself, am I listening more than talking? Am I engaging others by asking questions, rather than expressing my opinions and demonstrating my knowledge, dominating the conversation, and commanding airtime? Am I capable of reflecting on what others say and validating them? Am I supportive rather than critical?

These are more spiritual questions that draw me into digging deeper. For me, it means that I must move slowly, with more intention, and concentrate on the person I want to become. Now that I am an octogenarian, this has more meaning than ever. It’s the relationships in life that matter most.

I wish you a New Year filled with contentment, satisfaction, peace, and well-being.

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The group meets weekly and is led by Vincent Gray, a philosopher and retired teacher who is also an accomplished guitarist and singer originally from Kingsport, Tennessee. After completing a Fulbright in Greece, taking (very) early retirement for a more meaningful life, he and his wife settled in Oaxaca in 2020.

Vince (left) and Wilbert, owner of Cafe del Elfo